My Eyes Bled

I caught this article on Salon in the Broadsheet column:

A reader just alerted us to a controversy in London, Ontario sparked by a recent spoof issue of the University of Western Ontario’s campus newspaper, The Gazette. It included a so-called “satirical” article about a “Take Back the Nightie” march held on campus, supposedly organized by Western’s Women’s Issues Network (WIN).

In the hands of The Onion, this might actually have been funny. But unfortunately, the article fell far, far short of the humor it supposedly was aiming for. You can check out the full text here, but these are a few choice excerpts:

-”‘My vagina told me she hates thongs . . . they’re far too restrictive,’” said Jennifer Ostrich, a vocal WIN member. ‘”And what my vagina wants, my vagina gets.’”

-”Near the end of the march, chaos broke out when Ostrich’s vagina crawled from under her flowing white nightie, stole a loudspeaker, and went on a rampage. . . . “‘You don’t know me, bee-otch,’ it squealed. ‘You can’t even see me through all this hair you’ve let overgrow. Think of me. I can’t even breathe down here.’”

Laughing yet? Keep reading.

“Upon seeing the chaos, London Police Chief Murray Faulkner stopped greasing his nightstick and intervened. He grabbed the loudspeaker from Ostrich’s wild vagina and took it into a dark alley to teach it a lesson.”

It then continues: “To Ostrich’s dismay, the vagina followed, giggling as it said, ‘I love it when a man in uniform takes control.’”

Clearly the article was written by a dumbass, but the editor should be flogged for this sentence:
“He grabbed the loudspeaker from Ostrich’s wild vagina and took it into a dark alley to teach it a lesson.”

So which thing did he take down the alley? The loudspeaker or the wild vagina?